The Chaos Chronicles: Please don't vomit...please don't vomit!

Logan, Tyler, and Grandma Carol

Goofing off after graduation

Sure, I should have been crying. I should have been giddy with excitement. My little guy was graduating from kindergarten! Why was I instead praying to the Lord not to watch over my little guy as he enters first grade, but to not let him throw up all over the cute little girl in front of him? Let's rewind to yesterday morning:

7:55am-arrive at school

7:56am-Tyler runs into bathroom to throw up. Other boys in bathroom tattle on Tyler, saying he cut in line. Nice kids...

8:00am-bring Tyler crying out of the bathroom, deliver gifts to teachers, walking towards the front door

8:01am-notice Logan is on the phone in the office. Apparently he had a dress code violation. I guess windpants don't qualify for jeans day. This is what happens when mom doesn't do laundry.

8:03am-sign both children out of school because I'm not making a special trip home to wash jeans or to Old Navy to buy jeans. It's the next to last day of school. What could they possibly miss out on?

Later that afternoon:

2:00pm-Tyler eats 4 small chicken tenders from Burger King at the airport because he insists that he's fine and he's STARVING. Eh...what's a mom to do? Starve the kid? It didn't help when he started crying in the airport saying, "Why won't you get me something to eat? I SOOOOO hungry!" That'll get you votes for worst mom of the year for sure.

2:15pm-get Grandma at the Denver airport. Tyler is running around like a maniac.

2:50pm-arrive at Krispy Kreme in Lone Tree. We buy two dozen donuts. Tyler wants strawberry milk, but we talk him out of it.

3:00pm-back on the highway headed home. Tyler and Logan are happily eating their donuts in the backseat.

3:01pm-loud burp

3:02pm-Logan screams

3:02.10 sec-Tyler starts crying. Logan is gagging.

3:02. 20 sec-whip car over on side of the major highway going through Denver. Not the most responsible move as a mother, but one child had already puked, and the other way was threatening to.

3:03pm-refuse to remove vomit covered child from until vomit is cleaned off the seatbelt, lest it get sucked up into the magic slot seatbelts get sucked up into, allowing the vomit to transfer into that abyss. Cars speeding by at 85mph.

3:05pm-remove vomit covered child from car and hand to grandma, who is armed with baby wipes.

3:06pm-really take in the damage the car sustained from Tyler's vomit. Who knew so much could come from someone so little. Logan continues to gag. Grandma is cleaning Tyler, who wants to know where his donut went.

3:07pm-remove vomit carseat from car. Survey the damage. Realize Logan had thrown the headphones for the DVD player, Tyler's stuffed dog, Sonic the Hedgehog action figure, Bakugan carrying case, and my Coach purse all at Tyler's feet...direct in the line of fire. Awesome. Cars continue to blow past us. Tyler wants another donut.

3:15pm-used almost every babywipe in vomit cleanup. Tyler is as clean as possible. Grandma graciously cleaned up the carseat. Prepare to re-enter car.

3:16pm-look in trunk to find something to prevent another catastrophe...that I would have to cleanup...again. Locate a sheet in the trunk. Not sure why it's in there. Use the sheet to cover the smelly carseat and protect the carpet. Thinking I should have done this to begin with since the kid had already thrown up once...but refer back to my 5 year old standing on the side of I-70.

3:20pm-everyone back in car. Tyler's crying because he wants another donut. Pull out onto I-70.

3:21pm-engine light comes on in car.

Now do you see why I was praying my kid wouldn't puke all over the place at graduation? Sure, a good mom would have kept her kid home. But I am a GREAT mom. I realized this was a monumental moment in my child's life that he will look back on when he is older and be so glad he didn't miss it (that's what I keep telling myself at least). I put my fear of him throwing up on the backburner (okay maybe it was still on the front burner, but it was on simmer), brought my kid to school at the lastest moment and missed the kindergarten breakfast, as to not disrupt the fun with a sick kid. I wanted that kid to get his diploma. I am a GREAT mom. I kept my kid away from all the other kids. Changed him into his fancy clothes as the teacher was lining everyone up (good thing I brought another pair of undies...the damage was starting to drain out from his backside, if you know what I mean). I gave him a brief, albeit very specific, lecture regarding the urge to throw up or poo. It went something like this:

Me: "If you think you're going to throw up, walk off the stage."

Tyler: "The front of the stage?"

Me: "No, the back."

Tyler: "I don't know how to get out from the back."

Me: "Just get behind the curtain and I will come and get you."

Tyler: "But [the teacher] said we're not supposed to move."

Me: "It's okay if you're sick."

Tyler: "But I'm not sick."

Says the child who projectile vomited all over my car a mere 17 hours earlier.

Maybe he was better, but I wasn't taking the chance. That's why I'm the great mom, remember? I covered all my bases.

The ceremony was 15 minutes. They sang four songs, I think. (Remember, I was focused on any potential signal of a vomit face). They didn't even pass out their diplomas. We had to pick them up afterwards with a homework packet. Each child's name was called out, but...no handshake? No cute waves to mom and dad when they got their diplomas? No ooohs and ahhs over those tiny little people? No awards?

Maybe I was so focused on Tyler being sick that I wasn't able to truly enjoy this moment, and maybe that's why the ceremony seemed so, well...disappointing. Hey, I can only imagine how difficult it is to coordinate and choreograph 75 five and six-year-olds. I wasn't expecting a Broadway show. I love the three kindergarten teachers, and this wasn't their first rodeo. I'm sure there was a method to their madness...something I'm sure I will appreciate when I start teaching. But as a mom, it was a little bit disappointing. Sure, there were a lot of extenuating circumstances that altered my giddiness as a mommy, (the fact that we covered the seat in the truck in a rain poncho just to get to the school) but hopefully you know what I mean.

My baby boy graduated from kindergarten. Maybe the true extenuating circumstance was that this could potentially be the last time I see one of my own kids graduate from kindergarten.